Thirty-Fourth Day

They left the door open after breakfast today. Not for long, just 20 seconds or so, perhaps half a minute. It is hard to judge. I sat there and looked at it, that gap to the outside world, or at least a slice of undecorated wall identical to those four that have surrounded me for the last five weeks. I briefly entertained thoughts of escape, but really, what would be the point? I'm sure I wouldn't get very far. Or at least I think I entertained thoughts of escape. It is easy to rationalise ex post, but I'm pretty sure that I've already broken my resolution. I'd by lying to myself if I claimed it were a concious decision. Sitting and waiting is becoming a habit.

I wonder if I really want to leave. Being here is no barrel of laughs but how do I know I really want to be in the outside world? In my first few days, few weeks, I could only think about what it was to be out there. Now I only think about myself, about my cell - my life a sea of introspection. Over a month of sitting and thinking and I'm not the same person that entered this prison. Will I be as content as I was before? Would I be able to do the things I did before - even make new choices? What makes me think that I would be able to choose coffee on the outside, let alone tea? Perhaps for the new me, this is as good as it gets.