Thirty-Third day

Thirty-three.

That’s the longest sequence of random digits I can remember. When I was younger, I used to play this very simple and somewhat geeky game together with my friends - whomever could remember the longest sequence won, and I was usually the best. I believe that is why I have always liked the number thirty-three: it appeals to me in some strange, psychological and pseudo-aesthetic way. Surely one number cannot be more beautiful than another, and yet, I have always preferred thirty-three to both thirty-two and thirty-four.

I wonder whether our silly game would ever have crossed my mind had I been anywhere but here. I would probably have been too busy with my everyday life to even reflect on why I have always preferred to set my alarm to 6.33 rather than 6.30. Come to think of it, there are so many things I do without even reflecting on why and how I do them. I get up, have a shower, make my toast, drink my coffee, travel to work, talk to colleagues, eat lunch and dinner, read the paper, watch some TV, go to bed. If I wanted to, I could probably justify my choice of daily routines, but why would I ever need to? And if no justification is ever required, how can I be sure that it is, in fact possible?

It may be that I wake up, twenty years from now, only to realise that I, in fact, have always preferred tea to coffee. Why then have I always insisted on having the latter for breakfast throughout my life? Maybe because my father always had coffee when I was a child. Maybe because people I have lived with never really liked tea and it therefore seemed most convenient that I too should drink coffee. The point is not that I dislike coffee, I really don’t - at least not for now. But if I do things without thinking about why, how do I know if I actually prefer tea?
Being detained has made me an observer of my own life, a demander of justifications for every action, critically assessed. What I long for more than anything at this point is to be able to choose for myself in every aspect of my life - when to wake up, when to brush my teeth, what to have for breakfast… but what is the point if I never reflect on my choices anyway? From now on, I’m going to make conscious decisions - I am going to be aware of every choice I make and I shall demand a justification of myself.

If nothing else, I should remember this resolution as something good that came of my detention.